Happy New Year

[Shelly Harris]

Things you realize as another year goes by and you're over 60

01.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

02.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

03.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

04.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 A M) and ask,
'Did I wake you?

05.
People no longer view you
as a hypochondriac.

06.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

07.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

08.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.

09...
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of
speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists than the
national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't
remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.


AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and
a laxative on the same night!


Happy New Year

[Barry Wolk]

Also, never mix up your Ben Gay with your Preparation H. That's where the song title for "Burning Ring of Fire" came from.

[Milsteads Garage]

I'm 31 and get into heated debates about pension plans........

[Don Henschel]

I'm 50 and alot of those mentioned above are starting to apply including pension and the crappy economy and stock market:mad: Hopefully 2012 will be better!
Happy new year!:D

[Pat Marshall]

Also, never mix up your Ben Gay with your Preparation H. That's where the song title for "Burning Ring of Fire" came from.

Ben Gay and Ipana Toothpaste tubes used to look very similar. I learned to keep them in two totally different places - the hard way!

[Mad Scientist]

Perhaps Shelly can add a few more to these.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



1. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

2. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

3. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

4. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

5. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

6. ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________


7. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

8. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

9. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________________________________________

10. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________


11. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

12. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


13. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

14. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

15. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

16. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


17. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

18. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.